Untying the “NOT” of Transformation
Take a step back from the subject this issue and ask yourself – if am wanting to transform my life – why did I invent the one I am living?
The answer is you probably didn’t. Not intentionally anyway.
We are not taught to focus, with clarity and vision, on what we really want in life. Deciding who and what we are often comes after experiencing something we truly don’t want. Or dedicating years to an unfulfilling career. Sometimes it is called a quarter or mid life crisis. Sometimes it hits in the form of a physical illness or mental breakdown. At some point you stop and ask “how on earth did I get here and how the **** do I get out.... fast!?”.
For whatever reason, you decide, THAT IS IT!!!! Its all going to change NOW. But then what? You can’t wave a magic wand or get your fairy godmother onto the case. She’s had a career change herself. Perhaps you try and fix it with a holiday, some medication, a highly paid consultant to sit and listen to your conversation, often referred to as a career or life coach. Maybe these things help, maybe they don’t.
What is missing from the picture?
What is missing is an analysis of the life you have invented (knowingly or not) and why you don’t like it. This is the most confronting part, and is generally why this step can be missed in the process. It is uncomfortable to look at what has happened around you and how you may have – willingly or unwillingly – put up with the environment around you for so long!
The biggest concept is to look at your language. What self talk do you use? How much negative language is used by you every day – without you realising it?
Examples of this type of language can range from “I don’t want to be fat”; “I don’t want the career I have”, “I can’t stand being miserable all the time”; “I don’t want to do this any more” to many other examples I am sure you can think of.
How many of these sound familiar?
The issue is that your brain is not wired to hear negative language. A basic example of taking negative words out of your vocabulary goes like this – “don’t forget to pick up...” changes to “remember to pick up... “.
It might seem really easy when stated this way, but truthfully we often take a while to recognise the over-use of the word “NOT”. The first step to being able to transform your life is to remove the “NOT”.
If you are NOT wanting to be “fat” then you want to be healthy or have a weight suitable to your size, to feel comfortable. It is also about removing what is called “comparative language”.
Comparative language is when you use language that measures against something external. If we work with the “fat” example then using words like skinny or thin have a measurement against them – such as how skinny is skinny? Is it skinnier than her, or thinner than that other girl?
Comparing yourself to something external is a recipe for disaster and unhappiness. You are a unique individual and deserve to treat yourself well. Treat yourself as your best friend, the way you would treat a best friend. Would you compare her to another? You need to be as gentle with yourself as you are with someone you care deeply for.
Once you have started to recognise these language patterns and alter them, you will start to see a change in your outlook. Once you remove the “NOT”, your outlook becomes more positive as a natural side effect. You can still use empowerment phrases and what ever else you might be currently using, but the effect of removing “NOT” has the singular effect of removing it from your immediate vision.
A word of warning, when you first start to do this, you will start to see how often the world uses the “NOT”..... “DO NOT CROSS”. “DON’T WALK ON THE GRASS”. “NO STANDING”. And that is just in the signage around us all, let alone the language that might surround you. Try to avoid bringing others into this way of thinking unless they are interested in your change of mindset as it can cause all sorts of interesting misunderstandings. As you get used to it, simply enjoy the freedom to be positive that it provides. Let others come to you and ask for the secret once they realise you know something they do NOT!!
Keep at it. There are plenty of negative people out there. Do yourself a favour and stop listening if it is that negative that it alters your mood, determination, outlook or all of the above. You can still be friends, but learn to limit the amount of negativity around you where possible. You may not be ready yet to take that leap and change career or boot the kids out into their own place (or maybe just make them do their own washing!!), but you can reduce the impact of the negativity by reducing the amount of time you allow negativity in your life.
Remember the key point – IT IS YOUR LIFE!
It is NOT anyone else’s to live, it is yours and it is the only one you have got. As much as we might like, and how much easier it might be, you can NOT trip down to the local hardware or corner store and pick up a “Build Your Own Life” kit when you are dissatisfied with the one you have.
You might feel incredibly lonely when you take the first steps to transforming yourself. You may find that very few people are understanding or even stick around once you begin this journey.
Keep going.
Keep at it.
There are plenty of people just around the bend of that road less travelled waiting to meet the amazing and new you. There are people around who will want to know and enjoy being around the new, transformed you. Give them a chance to meet you. After all, you are just getting to know this new self you have determined you wish to be and it will take a while for the new skin to fit, so it will take a while for the external to adjust around you.
The decision to re-invent your life is made in a second, the process will take some time and practice. You might say it is a journey you take every day.
In fact, think of it as a journey to a new country. Each day you get out of bed and see something you have never seen before, learn something you never knew, experience new food, language, smells, scenery.
Your new self is like a country you have never been to before. It takes time to explore and sometimes you can feel tired. More often it is exciting and amazing with sights you have never seen before. Enjoy it as the most interesting journey of your life.
It is, in fact, the journey of your life.
It is a journey that you will take every day from now on.
The secret of transforming your life is that is that it occurs each and every day when you wake up and decide – “this is who I am”. This is the reason why it is so simple and so hard to do at the same time.
When you change that thought on waking that starts with “I am NOT... happy, properly awake, ready for the day, well rested, etc” to the thought that starts with “I AM.... anything I want to be”, you have the power every day to re-invent who you are. Yesterday you were this, today you are that and tomorrow you can be a bit of this and that and something else as well.
Start to set goals around what you do want and who you wish to be. There are plenty of books written around goal setting, but the simplest way is to make each goal statement something that is about you, with a due date on it to motivate you towards the achievement of that goal. Remember to leave the NOT out.
Remind yourself of the goals you have set and how many you have achieved. Set some more to keep you on your path and remind yourself that transformation is an activity that you undertake every day. There is no end point to this journey, unless you make one for yourself. And maybe it is NOT an end, but simply a rest stop before you continue to transform. It is okay to rest. Transformation is hard work.
The new people who are attracted to you are there because they love what they see; they want what you are having; the people who are around you will enjoy your success; your positivity; your outlook.
Make sure you take the time to enjoy for yourself as well. Reward yourself with every goal you set and achieve. Keep setting goals that take you down the path you chose that day. And every day.
Remember to chose again who you are the next day and what the journey will look like. See set-backs as a reminder that you need to work at this until it becomes a natural process like breathing.
Remain positive that you will transform yourself. Every day. Congratulations on making the decision to move from accidental invention of your life to focussed and managed transformation.
You are an amazing person each and every day.
